March 15, 2011

It’s the ides of March, and my dreams were as disturbed as those of Calpurnia in Shakespeare’s play. I won’t go into the details as I scarcely remember them myself, the theme was of recent loss and tragedy caste with the grand betrayal I suffered recently of which I have spoken little, for such things only inspire within me the utmost contempt. I woke up with a dry mouth craving juice at 2 am, I had only fallen asleep 3 hours prior just before midnight. My midnight snack is most likely to blame; it consisted of the remaining leftover meat loaf, 2 squares of dark chocolate, and a bowl of icecrème… with nothing to drink. This was done to ease my hunger, which it did not do, but then nothing ever does. Dry of mouth I fled down to the kitchen, grabbed 3, 2 serving sized bottle of ice tea, then drank the first in one go in a fit of animalistic thirst. The second I placed in my fridge next to my bed, the third remained on my desk. I then fell asleep, waking up again at 6, at which point I drank half the bottle in the fridge and fell back asleep until 8, and then I got out of bed and got some coffee.

My mother greeted me as she always does, by immediately begging me to do some absurd favor for her. This morning it was to clean the bathroom and mop the floor. Reminding her that I had cleaned the entire first floor yesterday and lent her 20 dollars of money I can scarcely afford to lend and that I had just woken up I refused. My stomach has been paining all day. My malady has grown nearly intolerable and the constant pain is beginning to wear on me. In an attempt to ease my suffering I had a proper breakfast of cereal, then I under took to clean my old weight support that I had brought up from the basement on Sunday. I did so in the other room which is on the east side of the house and thus rich in sunlight which I require for vitamin d synthesis. After I was done I cleaned my bathroom in preparation for a shower, then I used the equipment and exercised vigorously before taking my shower.

After I was done I got dressed and lazily made my way outside. It was sunny but cold, still the sun was warm and I sat for a while on my front stoop. I then decided to take a walk to the old naval hospital and back. It was beautiful and I took a few pictures. I sat for a while on the bench overlooking the port of Boston and the Tobin Bridge, as well as the ancient landing that predates the republic by nearly half a century. I thought about Sirius my loyal loving dog that died today exactly one year ago. Again… on the ides of March. I miss him, and two cats Tiffany and Alexis who died 3 years prior… I can’t but weep when I think about them.

My burdens in life are heavy but it’s in my philosophy to bear them as best I can, I owe that to the dead who can’t do or think of anything anymore, I cannot shame their memory. When I have been so fortunate in life, to be born in an age of reason, order, and relative comfort while others suffered and died to get us all this far. The least I can do is bear my pains and try to smile. Though I must confess, the sheer obliviousness of everyone around me to this fact is a source of constant frustration and rage to me. When I returned from my walk my mother’s idea of a greeting was to ask me to make dinner. I told her I was unwell, then later after getting a bowl of left over pasta from the previous night as a late lunch rage overtook me and I snapped at her. I told her how infuriating she had been, how tactless it was to demand favors of me in place of a greeting and how callus she must be to not realize her own son is in total agony… as if she can’t hear me running to the bathroom right next to her seat in the living room every time the urge takes me… which has been every few minutes today. I don’t know whether she is truly ignorant or just emotionally inept. She was severely brain damaged in a car accident several years ago and that could be the cause of this, certainly victims of traumatic brain injuries are people of a nature that I am well acquainted. On that matter I will say little more. I continue smile, and maintain my composure, and I curse those whine and complain and beg and grovel for everything… were I of a servile nature I would be dead by now, the fact that I survived demonstrates my resolve to continue on, even if I do so alone, hated, reviled, feared, and not understood. I will not complain but merely accept my apportioned fate and rise to it, as my ancestors did when they built the foundation of my life. If I accomplish but one thing in my life, I would like very much to set my own foundation for my decedents and give them a legacy that they can be just as proud of.

The ides of March are come, and not yet gone, but I expect to survive today. Thriving is another matter altogether but my sickness can’t last forever and even if it does I’ll focus my efforts when it is least prominent and get by well enough. I shall stop here, and update as time passes for I expect little of note to occur. Dinner has after all already been decided, it is ravioli, made by my sister who was bribed by my mother to make it in my absence… likely the 5 dollars will come from the 20 I gave her yesterday… so in truth, I may as well have made it… I will have that, and I think a glass of wine, to ease the pains, I find it most helpful with my condition, of that I will say no more other than to emphasize the mendicancy with which I use wine in a therapeutic fashion, after all, it is not medicine.